Why Do You Hide From Your Own Mother
I don't usually post things like this on here, but I just have to get this all out.
I want to share something that I've been experiencing in regards to the Blessed Mother.
For a while, I've admired her. Almost like you'd admire a celebrity! I admired from a far, said she was so amazing and wonderful, came to her aid during a few Twitter fights, that kind of thing.
I even consecrated myself to Our Lady of Fatima a few years ago! I wore the chains and everything for a while!
But I lost my way soon after. I still wasn't sure how to go to her, what to say to her, and the Rosary was something I honestly hated saying.
I felt Mary slipping away from me. I didn't have a personal relationship with her, and I knew I should. I felt lost, and I didn't know what to do.
Back in high school when I was suffering a great deal from my experiences with same-sex attractions, at times the Hail Mary was the only prayer I could muster. Mass was torture, the Our Father felt hours long, Adoration was physically exhausting and painful, and Mary was the only person I felt like I could go to.
Still, I was saying these Hail Mary's with my face buried in the dirt. I felt as though I couldn't lift my face to Our Lady. And that feeling carried on for years, actually until very recently.
Things began to change for me when I got a visit, and a present, from an old agnostic friend of mine about two weeks ago.
She and I have been friends since the fourth grade. She went to Catholic grade school with me, and then went to a Catholic school in college after she got a scholarship. Through this school, she got to study abroad last semester in Europe.
While she was touring around, she thought to get me a couple of small gifts. A few days after she got home, she presented them to me, but one stood out the most.
She gifted me with a gorgeous Rosary from Munich, Germany.
Like I said, she's agnostic. She didn't grow up with any sort of faith, never really caught onto Catholicism in grade school or college, nothing. But, she knew how seriously I took my faith, and thought to get me this Rosary.
What she didn't know was what Mary was going to do with my after she gave it to me.
A couple days before she gave me this Rosary, I decided to start a Nine Day Rosary Novena on my own. Something was tugging at my heart to pray it, so I decided that's what I was going to do. I was doing really well, actually!... For the first two days.
On day three, I was sitting up in my bed at 11:00 at night, trying to force myself to pray this Rosary. And I just couldn't. I was kicking myself, feeling super anxious and just beating myself up about it, and I couldn't bring myself to pray it.
In my heart though, I felt a movement in my spirit. It was moving me to pray at least one decade.
Just one, if I couldn't make myself pray the whole thing.
So that's what I did.
I took my Rosary in my hand, head handing down, and I spoke directly to Mary.
"Dear Mary, Mother of the King, take just these few roses, weak as they are, and do something with them. I know it isn't a lot, and I know I'm weak for not being able to pray the whole Rosary, but please, take what I do have, and make something beautiful out of it."
I hadn't been that honest with Mary in a while. It honestly felt liberating to bare my weaknesses to her. I asked her from the heart to take my small offering and do something with it.
And she did.
My friend gave me my new Rosary the next day.
Prayers to Our Lady never fall on deaf ears. She hears us, she never ignores us, and she is never outdone in generosity. When my friend gave me this new Rosary, it was like I heard my Mother say, "I heard you, weak as your voice was. Take up your Rosary again, and keep trying. Keep going. Keep coming to me; never ever fear your mother."
I really think that Mary gave me this Rosary through my friend, and I keep it on me as a reminder to never stop running to her through the Most Holy Rosary.
It has now been blessed by both my current, and former Spiritual Directors, my two favorite priests, and it's arguably my favorite Rosary that I own.
Going to Mary like this is going to take some getting use to, this I know, but there's something that I learned from Our Lady that has brought me some consolation.
One of the many times that Our Lady appeared to one of the visionaries in Kibeho, in Rwanda, Africa, one of them had not done something the Blessed Mother had asked her to do previously. So during one of the apparitions, fearing she would be rebuked, she hid her face from Our Lady.
"Child, what is the matter? Why do you not look at me when I call you?" After the visionary, Marie-Claire, said nothing and kept her head bowed, Mary spoke again.
"Child, tell me why you do not look at your own mother?"
I almost cried when I read that. I knew Mary was speaking to me through those words to Marie-Claire.
Why do I hide my face from my own mother? Why do I honestly think so ill of her?
I'm learning not to hide my face; it's difficult, but Mary is so gentle, so kind, and so good to me. Good to all of us! And we should never fear her.
I'll leave you all with one last thing, also said by Our Lady of Kibeho to another visionary, Alphonsine.
"My child, I love you," Our Lady said to her. "Never be afraid of me... Be as a little child with me, for I love to pet my children. No child should fear his or her mother, and I am your mother. You should never be afraid of me; you should always love me, as I love you."
Here's to us, the little children of Our Lady, coming to love her as much as she loves us.
+ Hail Mary...