O Lord, I Give You Everything
"Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men."
But wait...
Where are we going? Can I say goodbye to my family first? I should probably pack a few things... Can I do that first? What about food? Is my health insurance covered? How much money do I need?...
This is how I imagine the conversation between Christ and I would've gone down if I were in the apostle's place.
The thought of just dropping everything to follow some guy I just met doesn't really appeal to me that much, if I'm being honest. I really don't know what I would've done.
I like to think I'd drop everything, but would I?
Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about some of the things that hold me back from following Christ, and I've heard the voice of God deep in my heart calling me to conversion.
That call was especially strong this past weekend after I came home from the Easter Vigil and was sitting in front of my prayer altar.
Looking at my tiny Crucifix, and being so inspired by Christ's total gift of self, He inspired me to lay down one of the major things that was holding me back from fully loving Him.
So, I walked into the kitchen, grabbed a pair of scissors, walks back into my bedroom, and stood before Christ on my altar.
Taking a deep breathe, I said, "O Lord, I give you everything."
And I just did it.
I cut my earphones.
Now, before some of you start thinking, "Ohh my gosh she's being so dramatic... It's a pair of headphones!" let me explain why this was such a turning point for me in my life up to this point.
Growing up I was a super imaginative kid. I would spend hours upon hours creating these fantasies and stories in my head and even wrote my first fiction novel when I was in the sixth grade!
I also really wanted to be a singer and an actor on Disney Channel. I would practice drawing the Mickey Mouse head in my bedroom, write my own songs that I just KNEW was gonna rock the Disney Channel work, and make me one of the most famous child stars ever.
And of course, I needed soundtracks to accompany my amazing feats. So I would spend hours and hours and hours listening to music and dreaming about how my life would be when I was a famous actor, and I did that for years.
I began to get so use to living my life according to how the music I was listening to made me feel. If I was feeling childlike and giddy, I'd play my old Disney faves. If I wanted to feel cool or popular, I'd listen to Pop, Hip-Hop, Rap or EDM music. If I was angry, I'd listen to We Came as Romans. I basically used music as a crutch, and I realized that as I got older, I was finding it extremely difficult to express my emotions any other way.
This realization hit me pretty heavily when I decided to give up music for Lent, and I just couldn't do it.
I felt like a complete failure! I barely made it a day without caving in. I got so angry at myself -- which led to me listening to music to try and make myself feel better.
It was a vicious cycle, and I knew that something had to give.
While at the Easter Vigil, and having started the Divine Mercy Novena the night before, I got the sense that now was the time to have a very personal encounter with God. But I knew I couldn't do that unless I was willing to lay down my own selfish desires and truly seek Him out.
As soon as I saw my headphones (both pairs...) lying on the ground, it was like I could feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe a little deeper, and I could hear what was going on around me!
And I could finally hear what was going on inside of me, as well. I could finally have a more personal encounter with my one true Love, which is Christ.
Has it been hard? Of course it has! I have my whole day free now -- filling the time has been weird.
I've been doing a lot more reading, and I've spent a lot more time in prayer, and sometimes I just go outside and walk around.
All and all, I've given so much more of myself away to God instead of caving in and trying to make myself feel better by vainly building myself up in my head.
My gift to God has become something that I willingly want to give away, not something that I feel like I have to just to stay sane. Which, if you think about it, is no gift at all.
Cutting my earphones might not seem like a big deal to a lot of people, but it was huge for me. After so many years of fleeing to music to make me feel better about myself or my circumstances, I'm finally realizing how finite those feelings and instant gratifications are, and I'm running to something more now.
I'm finally running to Christ, asking Him to fill me because I know that He can, and He will.
Of course, I think that this is just the first step, and I will have to take many more. But for now, I'm looking forward to hearing my Lord and my Love sing to me in the confides of my heart.
That's a song worth running to time and time again.