I Assure You, It's Worth It
(I had a beautiful mother reach out to me who's daughter possibly experiences SSA, or at least is an advocate for the LGBTQ lifestyle. She told me that her daughter worries that those who experience SSA are told by the Church that they cannot be happy.
I wanted to take the time to respond to this young lady's concerns. Above all, I want to assure her that I am truly happy, and that I wouldn't have it any other way.)
I understand why you would be worried and concerned for me.
You feel as though because the Church asks me to live a life of chastity as a woman with same-sex desires, that in being obedient to her, it'll leave me feeling desolate and unhappy.
To be completely honest with you, for a while, I thought that too. I was so unsure of how to live, of how to be happy and find fulfillment in this world. I was terrified. I imagine that you might feel that way for me, too.
I understand that you may feel as though the Church has brainwashed me.
I grew up a Catholic; I was baptized as an infant, I went to Catholic school from Pre-K until 12th grade, and most of my family and friends are Catholic. Catholicism is basically all I've ever known. The thought of straying away from that is terrifying.
I understand why you're so angry for me.
I have been misunderstood by some, hurt by many, told told to place my back against the wall and keep my mouth closed, all because of something I couldn't control, something I never asked for.
I know. Believe me, I do.
My position on my same-sex attractions is a rare one. I've met very few people who share it. But I thought that I should at least share it with you, not in the hopes of changing your mind, but in the hopes of revealing another side to you, and letting you decide from there.
Know that I am telling you the truth when I say that I'm happy, and I wouldn't want to live any other way.
I don't act on my attractions, true. I am not going to lie to you, it is insanely difficult at times. My desires and passions for other women get to be so strong, and sometimes they threaten to overwhelm me.
But just because that desire is present, doesn't mean it has to be acted upon.
But please don't think that I'm suppressing my desires in any way. I talk about having SSA all the time! I acknowledge the reality of my desires, how they make my life different, and how beautifully I can live my life because of them.
I really do live a beautiful life, and if there's anything I want you to take away from this, it's just that. That my life is so worth living the way it is, and my life is worth loving the way it is.
Tell me, does this look like the face of someone who leads a miserable life? I wouldn't assume so.
I lead a great life, filled with great friends, exciting adventures, and is showered by the love of my Lord, who is the one true Lover of my heart.
As I was trying to find the words to say to you this morning, I knelt down before Christ, unsure that I was even qualified to say anything to you.
But the Lord spoke to me, words that I think may help you, and sum up why I choose to live the way that I do.
"Look at the birds in the ski; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown in the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?"
My faith at times does grow very weak. I wonder if I will ever experience love the way that my friends do. I see so many of my friends getting engaged, going out on dates, and falling so deeply in love. I wonder why I can't have that, but I never turn that question on myself, and wonder if I'm the only keeping myself from that.
Bt I know that I will only ever be satisfied by God alone. He is the Lover of my soul, my one true love, and my Lord who created me for Himself. This is the love I was made for; settling for anything else will only cause me misery.
And I now know that any love I experience in this life should lead me back to Him, and I need to have faith that Christ will place people in my life that will love me just like that.
I am happy, I am joyful, and I am so loved, my dear friend. I'm not missing out on anything, don't you worry.
Just because I desire romantic intimacy with women and can't have it does not at all mean that I am missing out on love.
On the contrary, it leaves my heart open enough to receive the love that the Lord desires to give to me.
I assure you, my dear friend, it's worth it.