Can I Still Love Who I Want to Love?
Last night was by far one of the hardest nights I've ever experienced in my life.
I experienced this intense spiritual desolation, where my soul was just flooded with pain, and I felt little to no consolation from God.
I've had these dark nights of the soul before, but none of them quite like this. I was tossing and turning in my bed, feeling like the devil has his hands around my neck; I was short of breath, and I wanted so desperately to cry but was far too numb from the pain to do so.
Most of this pain was flooding my soul because I was tormented with the idea that I couldn't truly love a friend of mine that I've gotten close to as of late. The devil was planting these seeds of doubt, and of anger and frustration within me, and they all started bubbling up to the surface.
These were violent attacks on my soul, and I started questioning God and His Will for my life.
The biggest question I had was, What's so bad about me wanting to make her happy? What's wrong with me wanting to love her?
Remember in Genesis, in the Garden of Eden, when the devil is tempting Eve to eat the fruit of the tree? Do you recall what he did to get her to eat the fruit? He tricked her, he lied to her.
I tend not to blame Eve anymore, because I know I would've done the same. I've done the same in my own life, and I'll show you an example of how.
But first, I want to refer back to Scripture. Look at Genesis 2:16, where God tells Adam that he is free to eat of any of the trees in the garden, except for the tree in the center, which was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
But in the next chapter in verse one, what does the serpent say to Eve?
"Did God say, 'You shall not eat of any tree in the garden'?" (Genesis 3:1 RSV)
Did you catch that?
God didn't say they couldn't eat of any of the trees in the garden, just that one tree.
He twisted what God said just enough to confuse her. In the next verse she says that they aren't even allowed to touch that tree.
Did God say anything about not touching the tree? Nope. But now the thought is in Eve's head. She's confused, she's doubtful, and the serpent has her right where he wants her.
The Evil One is doing the exact same thing with us today. He's twisting the word of God just enough to make us ask questions, to confuse us.
This is how he breaks down our faith, and he shakes us up. Can you see where he might have done this in your own life?
The devil is called the Father of Lies. He can't create anything new, only twist and distort what God has created.
What lie can you hear him whispering to the LGBTQ+ Community today? What lie was he whispering to me last night?
Did God really say that you can't love who you want to love?
I was so tempted to believe the lie. I really was. I was in so much pain, and here he was attacking me faith, and making me question why I would stand to suffer as much as I was because of my faith in God.
This girl that he tormented me over, I really do care about her. She's sweet, and funny, and kind, and we've been getting pretty close over the past few weeks.
He kept insisting that God was telling me I can't love her, because I can't be romantically intimate with her like I want to be.
I knew that she had had some very negative experiences with men in the past, and all I wanted was to be good to her. I wanted to tell her that she was special, and that she was so worthy of love, and that I never wanted to do anything to hurt her, and that she could feel safe with me.
And all of that is well and good, until it turned into a desire to say all that to her physically.
I asked God why I couldn't be with her in that way. All I wanted was for us to be close, and for us not to feel alone. And I wanted to be better to her than those guys were. I wanted to treat her better than that.
I wanted to love her, and the lies were overwhelming me.
This is when God responded to me, asking me, "When did I tell you that you couldn't love her?"
The question I posed in the title of this post, Can I still love who I want to love?
Yes, I absolutely can.
Here's the lie: the Evil One says that God is telling me that I can't love this girl because He condones homosexual acts.
But the reality is that isn't real love. By being romantically involved with her in any way, I'm risking my own soul as well as hers.
As I've mentioned in other posts, God doesn't condemn homosexuality because He wants to be cruel and not let us do what we want. He condemns it because it doesn't make any sense, and it'll only cause us harm.
I can't love her in that way because I was never meant to. That's why it's causing me so much pain. That's why I was being torn apart last night.
I know she's been hurt before, and yes, the desire to protect her is strong within me, but as her friend, it's my duty to protect her from whatever can do harm to her soul, and that includes my romantic desire for her.
Last night, I felt like I had a gaping wound on my heart, and it was being ripped open all over again. It really did feel like I was dying, being crushed under the weight of this cross that I was asked to carry.
But this is one of the great paradoxes of our Christian faith, it is only in dying that we may live.
Christ died on the Cross so that He could grant us new life. As St. Paul teaches, we are called to die with Christ, and be reborn in His Divine Life.
Yes, it hurts that I can't be with her in the way that I so desperately want to be, she's my friend, and I want to choose every single day to love her like Christ loves her.
I want to choose to love every day, no matter how hard of a choice it is.