My "Coming Out" Story
Some of you know that I have been debating whether or not I should post this story. I’ve decided that I need to, not for myself, but for others that might be in a similar position that I was in.
Please know that I am not posting this out of spite. I still consider everyone involved my friends, and I am no longer upset or angry at any of them.
I’ve come to realize, as I’ve become accustomed to sharing my life online, that my stories are not all that unique. Several people have come to me saying they relate to almost every single one of my posts. And I honestly don’t believe that this will be any different.
So hopefully, by sharing this story with all of you, I will be able to help people who have gone through, are going through, or will go through something different.
Most of you probably know that I admitted to having Same-Sex Attractions earlier this year via Twitter. All of you who supported me during that time hold a very special place in my heart, and I am honestly so thankful for you.
The only reason I felt comfortable sharing that via Twitter and no where else is because the about 98% of my following on Twitter are people who don’t know me in real life. Only a select few people from my real life friend groups follow me on Twitter. Also, with the fact that I went by Avera on Twitter (which is not my birth name), it gave me a cushion of anonymity. I felt totally safe saying it where I knew there was a very slim chance of it ever circling around into my real life.
Still, I felt like I was robbing people of fully knowing me. Sure, my sexuality is not my identity, but it is a part of my life. My family had no idea who I was, same with a few of my friends. That was painful for me.
I was also missing out on ministry opportunities. I wasn’t able to talk more about the Church ministering to persons with SSA because I was afraid people would suspect me.
It was almost like I was living a double life. Split right down the middle, not ever really feeling whole or feeling like I was able to give people the gift of my whole self, which at times, is the only gift that we can give to others.
Still, the fear that I was experiencing was valid, and shouldn’t have been ignored, or taken lightly.
So you can only imagine how conflicted I felt when someone confronted me about not being out.
I put the words “coming out” in quotations for this reason: I didn’t exactly "come out.”
Not willfully, anyway.
I was outed, and although I was not put in any immediate danger, I still felt pretty horrible after it all happened.
So I have three friends (out of respect for them, I will not use their real names), who we will call Steph, Chloe, and Rachel, who were involved in this. Steph and Chloe had been wanting me to meet Rachel for some time, so when they mentioned after Sunday Mass one day that they were going to visit her, I tagged along.
After Steph and Chloe spoke with Rachel for about an hour, I shared a bit of my story, including my blog and the fact that it was mostly anonymous because I wasn’t out to my family and many of my friends in real life.
Rachel thought it odd I was hiding this, and said that I should say something about it. I told her that I was afraid, and I explained why.
After hearing all of that, Rachel still was still insistent on me saying something to my family, my parents specifically.
Now, I get where Rachel was coming from. It really was like I was living a double life. Like I was so willing to help other people thrive in life with SSA, and yet I was letting mine was holding me back.
Still, what people need to understand is that even though this isn’t our identity, this is still a very big part of our lives as people.
Saying something should have been my decision, and mine alone I should’ve been given the opportunity to prayerfully discern what I was going to say, and when I was going to say it, and that opportunity was stripped away from me.
Rachel had me craft an email to my father telling him my secret. I really didn’t want to, but the pressure was setting in, and I was definitely being buried under the weight of it.
Another thing that you should know about me, is I do not do well under pressure.
Like, at all.
I crack under pressure, mostly when I feel I’m being personally attacked. Steph, Chloe, and Rachel all have very dominant personalities. They are very straightforward, kinda tell you how it is no matter how harsh it sounds, and I am not like that at all. As a result, my personality sort of crumbled under theirs. I was willing to do just about anything to get away from them.
I still love each of them, please don’t get me wrong, but I felt so compromised, and I wanted nothing more than just to go home and forget that this night had ever happened.
So, I sat down, and I wrote the email.
I was hoping that I could get away with typing it up and then telling her I would send it at a later date, but she wouldn’t let me get off that easy.
She suggested that I give her the password to my email, and she would send it for me. I finally broke down and agreed so that I could go home.
So she got the password from me, changed it so that I couldn’t go home and delete the email, and she sent it the next day.
I’m not telling this story for pity, or to come at the girls for what happened. I’m telling you this because I backed down, and I shouldn’t have, and I do not want anyone else in my position to make the same mistake that I did.
Again, I should’ve been the one to decide when I wanted to tell my family, not Rachel. Even though she meant well, it caused me a lot of grief and inner turmoil.
Honestly, I think people who don’t experience Same-Sex Attractions have very little room to tell us what to do in this situation. Rachel is straight. She has no idea what I go through on a daily basis because of my SSA, and she never could know because she’s straight.
So please heed this advice: if you are someone with SSA and are not sure about how people will take it, PLEASE talk to someone else that has SSA (and is preferably Catholic and adhering to the teachings of the Church). Save yourself that heartbreak.
Others are just not going to understand.
Again, your hesitancy and your fears are valid. But do not let ANYONE pressure you into doing something you are not ready to do.
If you haven't prayerfully discerned this, please do so. Place God at the very center of it all, right where He belongs, and rely on His strength to move forward.
Please don't give into temptation or peer pressure like it did. It really isn't work the heartache.
Please pray for my friends, for me, and for anyone else who might be going through something like this. We all need your prayers more than you know.