Did Pornography Cause My SSA?
Let me throw a few disclaimers out there before I even get started with this topic.
First, I do not believe that pornography is the sole cause for people developing Same-Sex Attractions. There are so many different factors that can contribute to these attractions developing.
Know that in this blog post, I am speaking from personal experience. This is what and why I believe what I believe.
I was exposed to pornography at 6-years-old. It was extremely traumatic for me. I can definitely see areas in my life where I can display symptoms of PTSD because of it, it really doesn't help that pornography is often talked about (if at all) as a man's issue.
I know several young women that have struggled with pornography that have been afraid to say anything about it because they thought they were the only ones. I assure you, ladies, you are NOT the only ones, and I completely understand how much of a struggle it is.
Due to that exposure, I grew up with a very flawed sense of intimacy. I believed for a very long time that sex was dirty, violent, and even dangerous. But I also knew that I wanted boys to notice me and like me, so it was extremely confusing for me.
Even while I was in middle school, I was surrounded by a hyper sexualized culture. My guy friends as a child seemed to always talk about sex.
I remember at one point that one of my friends saying that everybody watches porn, and that you were weird or a freak if you didn't.
Of course I had denied ever seeing it, but I was already and addict by then; I was only 12 or 13-years-old.
And I doubt it's a coincidence that around that same time, I started noticing the way I felt about some of the women in my life was different.
I have talked to several friends about their personal journeys with Same-Sex Attractions, inside and outside of the Catholic Church. Some of us have a lot in common, like almost all of us experienced some sort of trauma at a young age.
Some of us have had very negative experiences with out fathers, either he was abusive or just not active in our lives, or not present at all.
Some of us have endured sexual assault of some kind.
Some simply don't remember.
There are so many different variables that can result in someone having SSA, but in my case, I honestly believe that being exposed to pornography did play a significant role in these attractions developing.
From that point on, my entire view of love was distorted. Again, I was exposed to violence and aggression, and then I was going to school and boys would grope me and tease me and then make me feel bad about not liking or "appreciating" what they were doing.
I wanted love, and I wanted intimacy. And for the love of God, I was a little girl. I loved thinking about romance. I heard all the fairy tales about princesses and knights in shining armor, but all the knights seemed to be replaced by beasts (and the the Cinderella kind).
Is there any wonder why I started looking for love in my neighboring princesses?
I was ashamed, I was scared, and again, I was just a kid. Even know, it's incredibly painful.
I had no idea what I could do about all the pain I was experiencing, and I didn't know if it was ever going to end.
And then, I went to confession at SEEK 2017.
I think a lot of girls at SEEK are like, "Okay. I'm not about to cry. I am all that is woman. I am strong. I've got this."
I was one of those girls.
I also straight up lied to myself.
This incredible priest (I wish I knew his name) listened to me as I spilled my guts about my SSA and my pornography problem. He asked me when I was exposed to pornography, and I told him when I was 6.
He nodded, lowering his head. I could tell it hurt his heart to hear that, but also that he wasn't completely surprised by it.
He lifted his head, and said to me, "I want you to go back, and I want you to picture yourself back in that room when you saw it for the first time."
That was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. It was actually the one thing I had avoided doing for the past 15 years.
"I want you to go back," he continued, "And picture Christ standing there with you."
Safe to say the chills started running down my spine at this point.
"I want you to imagine what Christ would've said to you in that moment, if he was standing right there next to you."
Profound, right? Kind of shakes the ground beneath you. And rightfully so. I thought I would share with you guys what I believe Christ would've said to me that night.
I hope they have some sort of effect on you, too.
You are so good.
I love you, My precious girl, truly, I do.
What's happening to you pains Me, and I am so angry that this happened.
But I know you, and I love you, and I know how much stronger you will be because of this.
Please, think of Me. Think of My ultimate sacrifice, and think of how much I love you.
Know that you will suffer because of this, My dear child, but never forget that the victory is already Mine!
I will fight for you, I will be good to you, and nothing that you have done or that has been done to you can steal you away from Me.
Please, don't walk away from this suffering, dear girl. For it is I that truly loves you; I love you, and you are Mine.