I'm A Leper In Long Sleeves
I've been forming relationships with a few of my blog viewers over the past couple of weeks. You wonderful people honestly have no idea how much of a positive impact you've had on me, and the only way I can think to help you is grow in relationship with you, and walk towards Heaven and holiness with you.
We learn the things that we remember most from other people. We learn about different view points, different belief systems, different cultures and ways of life all from other people. And we also learn about them as individuals, and I think that is the most meaningful lesson to take away from another person.
But, I have noticed that people seem to think really highly of me. That's amazing, don't get me wrong, but does become a bit painful to me.
Whenever someone compliments me, or says they admire me or care about me, my thoughts almost immediately go to what they should hate about me. I start reflecting on all of my negative attributes, on all of the horrible mistakes I've made, and they feel like wounds and scars all over my body.
I immediately want to run and hide. I want to shout that I'm not good enough for them to be saying that, or that I'm unclean, but at the same time being so afraid that they'll want to stay, and they'll eventually see.
My mistakes feel like leprosy, and I'm a leper in long sleeves.
A new friend of mine said this in my first Courage meeting not too long ago. He said he felt like a leper with long sleeves. It's powerful imagery, and it's so relatable to me, and I imagine it is to a lot of you as well.
It's because of this that I felt like I needed to share some of my brokenness with you. I needed all of you to see how broken I feel, and that I don't always have my stuff together, and that I can relate to so many of you in that way.
Sr. Miriam James always says that we're only as sick as our secrets, and I've been sick for so long, and I don't want to be so sick anymore.
I've lived most of my life trying to please other people. I played sports for a long time because people said I should, even though I didn't want to. I dressed so that other people would noticed me. I'd change my hair, my likes and dislikes, even my personality to please other people, and it's gotten so bad that I'm not even sure who I am anymore.
This blog is my safe haven. It's one of the only things in my life that I do because I like it. I feel like I can be myself when I write these posts, but even then, I only post twice a week, and it doesn't last very long.
The life I've lived up to this point has left me covered in wounds that I'm so embarrassed by, and I get so scared sometimes when people get close enough to see them.
I'm terrified of what they'll think. I'm afraid that they'll leave.
And that fear of people leaving leads me to idolize people. I have this tendency to latch on to people so quickly, and I want them to know me and I want them to love me, but when they do get close, I remember that those scars are there. Soon, they start becoming visible. People start to notice them. It's then that I'll start pulling away, screaming that I'm unclean.
Some of my friends didn't see me for close to six months this year, because I had convinced myself that they hated me. They had no idea what I was going through, and they didn't understand. They got mad, completely understandably, which only gave me another sad excuse to hide from them.
A lot has changed for me since then, but so many of my fears are still there. What is she going to think? What if he finds out? What if she ends up leaving? These thoughts are constant, and when they finally do leave, more follow close behind.
And if I do this with my friends, you can imagine how much worse it must be with God.
My relationship with God has been rocky all my life. For as long as I can remember, it's been God showing His love for me, me realizing what's happening, an running away.
Most of you don't know this, but I feel like I should say it: going to Mass makes me very uncomfortable.
There, in that space and in that moment, is the epitome of everything that I've spent so much of my life running away from.
Within those four walls, in that tiny host, lies everything that I want, and everything I'm afraid of.
It's there that I can't hide my wounds. It's there that I'm taken to Calvary, and I'm fully aware of God's eyes on me.
It's there that I go naked before God; I go with no sleeves to hide my brokenness, and He sees me for all that I am.
It's the stillness of those moments alone with God that terrify me. It's there that I know that He's speaking to me, and I drown out that quite whisper by shouting, "I'm unclean! I'm unclean!"
And yet, He still comes closer. He still draws near to me. He's the hound of Heaven who insists on running after me.
And it hurts the most when He's closest to me. That's the bitter taste of Calvary.
This post isn't really me giving you advice or anything. I just wanted to be honest about what life is like for me. What kind of struggles that I go through personally.
I think this is me trying to roll up my sleeves a little bit. Maybe letting my wounds breathe will help them to heal, and maybe this can help you see more of me, the parts that I don't really like people to see.
I'm so broken, and at times I feel so weak, and I feel so alone, and like I'm just failing at life. And so much of that is because of the secrets I keep.
We're only as sick as our secrets. But now, I don't think I have as many.