"So You Have SSA - Does That Make You Afraid of Men?"
Sexual intimacy, or just intimacy in general, encompasses a lot of different things. How the other person makes us feel, our relationship with the other person, different factors like that.
Having a relationship with anyone requires some level of intimacy. We share personal details about ourselves with our friends, we give them hugs, and we spend time with them. That's an intimate experience.
This is no different for me and my relationships with others. Not all of my friendships with women have sexual undertones. That's a blessing! I really cherish those friendships that I have with my girl friends.
On the other hand, because of my SSA, I've actually had several people ask me if I'm afraid of men, or if I'm afraid to have relationships with men, romantically or otherwise. So, I thought I would come on here and talk about it.
Now, this is a very personal topic for me, so a lot of what I'm going to say here is based off of personal experience. This probably isn't going to be the case for every girl with SSA, but I feel like a lot of people are going to be able to relate, so this is why I wanted to bring it up.
That being said, I do have a lot of male friends. God has brought some of the most incredible men into my life, and I'm so thankful for them.
At the same time though, the vast majority of my relationships with men have been quite negative, and that's taken a huge toll on me. This could also be one of many causes of my attraction to other women.
So, yes, I am a bit afraid of men.
I don't want to be. I need to start off by saying that.
Like I said, I've been blessed to come in contact with some incredible men. One of the people I consider to be my best friends is a guy. I have great relationships with many of the men in my family.
But, at a family gathering recently, I mentioned to a male family member that I had never been on a date before. He went on to say that that was very weird and sad, and that I should be going on dates.
For one, my life is not somehow "incomplete" because I've never been on a date, but thanks for your concern --- I think...
But this made me think about why that hasn't happened yet.
Granted, I don't really get asked out a lot, and I also have no intentions of going on dates just for the sake of dating, which is what I think that family member was trying to get me to do.
Still, I do have reservations. I have had a lot of very negative experiences with guys in my life starting at a very young age, and they haven't really stopped yet, so that subconscious fear is still very present.
For example, I'm in college currently, and there's this guy in my class. He's definitely attractive, and seems fairly nice. He's smiled at me a couple times, which is all well and good.
But at one point in class, I found myself standing next to him. He's a lot taller than me, and looks quite strong. This automatically made me uneasy.
I immediately (and involuntarily) start thinking, "Wow, he could potentially hurt me." That should not be my thought process while standing next to someone.
But, sadly, it was. And I honestly couldn't help that.
While I was out to dinner with a friend of mine last week, I mentioned this unconscious fear of men that I have.
She suggested that I begin surrounding myself with good, Christian men. That way, I can start to retrain my brain to not immediately see men as people who can't be trusted.
Recently, I made a new guy friend who is super Catholic and a missionary. While we were talking one day, he mentioned to me that he wanted to set some boundaries in our friendship. He said he wanted to make sure that we had a brother and sister-in-Christ relationship, and this was something that no one had ever done for me before.
I thanked him for it and kinda laughed and joked afterwards, but I was seriously shocked. I almost didn't know what to say or do. I just kept thanking him to mask the fact that I was utterly confused by his chivalry. I sort of felt weird about it, and I think that that stems from the fact that I felt like I should be afraid of him. But who can fear such an incredible guy?
Those are the kinds of friendships that I need to be seeking, and those are the relationships that will eventually help me to stop thinking that I need to be afraid when a man is near me. Those kinds of men are out there, and they need our prayers, and they need to be acknowledged. It has to be so hard for them to go against the grain like that, and the last thing I want to do is to be afraid of them just because they're men.
Ladies, let's get out of the mentality that all men are scum and are outright terrible people. We really do need to stop. Just because one or two (or ten...) guys have broken our hearts, does not mean that every guy is going to do that.
That being said, they aren't Jesus, and there will most likely be times that they will fail us in someway, or hurt our feelings, but that doesn't make them bad people, and doesn't necessarily mean we should kick them out of our lives.
Still, for those girls out there in my position that are still afraid, please know that I feel for you.
I understand, and I'm not in anyway trying to undermine your fears. So many of us have encountered guys that have given us very real and very painful reasons to fear men, and it's extremely difficult to get over.
This is a wound that God needs to heal. It's in our deepest wounds that God wants to heal us the most, and where we can experience God in His goodness more fully. My advice would be to bare your wounded soul to our Lord, and ask Him to bring men into your life who are actively striving to be like Him. It's those men that you have no reason to fear.
My favorite man (other than Christ Himself) is His beloved father, St. Joseph. I would encourage you to pray to him. No one who asks for his paternal intercession will walk away disappointed, which I know from personal experience.
Where fear exists, love cannot. I don't want to be afraid of my brothers-in-Christ anymore, and now that I know it's a problem, I can start working on the solution.
To any and everyone else in my position, know that I am praying for you, and I hope that our brothers-in-Christ are doing the same thing.
Don't be afraid, my friends. Let's learn to love one another.