I'm on the struggle bus

Disclaimer: I’m about to get really real.

These past weeks have not been easy as I am transitioning into college life which is completely new to me. I will be trading new friendships for some of the old ones and missing the good ones that will hopefully remain intact. I’ve said my temporary goodbyes, and I feel the hurt deep within my being. The devil isn’t making this time of grief any easier either. He’s kinda been kicking me while I’m down which is totally not cool…

The temptation has been in rare form lately. Typically I don’t have to wrestle with my SSA. It’s a part of me that can easily be ignored, but let me tell you this week has been a doozy as far as feeling utterly crushed under my cross.

It's the kind of defeat that causes me to question the choices that I've made. The kind that drags me back through all those times I felt so close to love, but couldn't have it the way I wanted it. The kind that makes me want to put my cross back on its metaphorical shelf where I can simply look at it and never deal with it again.

It hurts because I feel like I can't let it be seen just anywhere. I have to be choosy as to who I'm myself around because it terrifies me to be found out and subsequently made ashamed of myself for something I can't control.

I feel like I can't tell my family because I don't think they would understand. They would either tell me it's ok to embrace the label of “gay” and act on it, or they would tell me that I don't belong and that I should just get lost.

I feel like I can’t tell friends because they would most likely become afraid that they are the object of my desire which, by the way, is typically not the case, or even if it is, I have enough self control and respect for the other person that I couldn’t knowing pull them into my mess, or worse, into sin.

I hate the misunderstandings that seem to be paired with this cross. So many people with so many different opinions. Why can't I just live a life of chastity and peace? I think I would be more willing to let people in if they would drop their preconceived notions of what it means to be a Catholic who doesn't act on their SSA.

I want freedom from my cross.

I want to achieve freedom with my cross through Jesus.

It's just such a challenge sometimes. It feels insurmountable at the moment...

However, as I'm writing this, I can hear Jesus quietly calling me, his wandering little sheep, back to himself. "If you want true love that satisfies your whole entire heart, come to me. I can show you what a full love looks like. I know what is best for you, and I promise I will never let you down."

Earlier today, I was reassured by Jesus that I am not alone. I was with a group of women who were listing their prayers for the upcoming semester, and a few of them prayed for those struggling with SSA. It leads me to believe that there really is a community of people out there for me who want me to succeed in my goal of remaining chaste and pure in regards to this cross.

Jesus, thank you for showing me the beauty this cross has to offer even when I feel as though I’m trudging through the deepest of trenches.

AMEN!