Fighting with God About My SSA
For those of you who are here from my feature on the Crunch this past Sunday, I want to welcome you to the blog! We're so happy to have you, and I really hope you'll subscribe and stick around with us through the journey!
I absolutely loved being on the Crunch (new episodes Sundays), and I love Ethan and Patrick very dearly. They've become great friends of mine, and if you don't listen to their show already, you absolutely should.
Even though I hate listening to myself talk, I've listened to the majority of the episode, and I wanted to take minute to dive further into one of the moments that I loved most from the podcast.
I want to talk about the moments where I learned to wrestle with God.
The first time I remember was when I was visiting my old high school, and I went to join in on Praise & Worship before the Blessed Sacrament after school with the Campus Ministry club.
Kneeling before Christ in the Eucharist, I remember getting very angry with God. My heart was torn into pieces, I was in so much pain, and at times I thought the agony was going to be too much for me. I'd wish to die than continue living like that, fearing that I would never see a way out of the darkness that I was in.
I was so angry, so devastated, and I Iet all of that out before God in Adoration that day.
"Why would you give me this cross if you knew it was going to drag me face down in the dirt like this? Why you would let me suffer with this if you knew it was going to devastate me like this? What did I ever do to deserve this? I'm just trying to love You like You asked me to; why would you do this to me?"
These were just a few of the questions that I asked God that day. Actually, I more so shouted them at Him, almost in a rage, just seething with anger.
This sort of thing happened again very recently when my spiritual director gave me some verses from the book of Jeremiah to read during Lectio Divina. I believe I've shared them in a previous post, but I feel like they're worth repeating here.
Cursed be the day on which I was born! The day when my mother bore me, let it not be blessed!
Cursed be the man who brought the news to my father, "A son is born to you,"
making him very glad.
Let that man be like the cities which the LORD overthrew without pity;
let him hear a cry in the morning and an alarm at noon,
because he did not kill me in the womb; so my mother would have been my grave, and her womb for ever great.
Why did I come forth from the womb to see toil and sorrow, and spend my days in shame?
(Jeremiah 20:14-18 RSV)
I really couldn't have put my pain into words any better than this. Finally, someone understood. Someone had said it, you know? I had no idea someone could actually speak to God like this before I was shown these verses, and I experienced so much peace when I read them.
I learned to wrestle with God. I learned that anger is very healthy at times! It means that this is something that I'm very passionate about. My desire is strong, and that is a totally normal and acceptable thing.
But when wrestling with God, don't expect him not to push back. While I was reading these verses, Christ spoke to me in my heart in a very profound way, and shook me to my core with what He had to say.
In the midst of me being so angry, asking all of these pressing questions, Jesus flipped the tables.
He turned all of those questions around on me.
I think at times, we can forget just how much Christ suffered during the Passion. Even during His life, those three years of public ministry, so many people that He loved turned their backs on Him.
Even those closest to Him rejected Him. Peter denied Him three times. Thomas doubted Him. Eleven of the Twelve fled from Him during His Passion.
His dear friend Lazarus died, and Jesus wept for Him even though He knew He would raise him from the dead.
Jesus experienced real pain in His life. How easy it is for us to forget that...
And what weight that Cross bore down on Him --- and we were the ones that gave it to Him.
The closer we are to holiness, the harder the Evil One is going to work to pull us back. Recently, I've started looking at the heavier weight on my back as a sign that I'm growing in holiness. The devil is making it harder for me because he knows I'm getting closer. He knows that I'm falling more and more in love with Christ, and that my cross is sweeter because of Him.
All of this I learned because I got a little angry with my Lord. There's so much beauty in suffering, don't you think?
I'd like to leave you with a quote from St. Augustine; it's one of my favorites of all time, and I think it's perfect for this blog post.
"Hope has two daughters: their names are anger and courage... Anger that things are the way they are. Courage to make them the way they ought to be." There's anger again. Anger is a mix of driving passion and desire. I'm passionate about living for God, and I desire nothing less than to be holy and to make it to Heaven.
What are you angry about? It means you care. If you do care, do something about it.