Confused and Loved All at the Same Time

I'm kinda stuck. So what's the big deal? This whole thing exists entirely in my mind, which is great because I can understand what straight people feel but also what homosexual people feel. I see men who are attractive but I also see women who are attractive. I think that that happens to most men and women. I’m not really sure….. I hate that I just happen to find women more intriguing, but women are the pinnacle of creation, so who wouldn't? The other thing is that I am much more comfortable with women simply because I've grown up only sharing my deepest thoughts/concerns with my mom. Who is a woman. I've never known how to interact with men because I didn't grow up around a dad who would have otherwise taught me how to interact with men. I can’t trust men like I can trust women. So is it really homosexuality? Who knows? I think it is, but I don't care because Jesus doesn't care either.

Wait a second, yeah, He does care.....

He loves me just the same as He would have if I was completely heterosexual with no wounds. Jesus doesn't hate me for my confusing emotions, so I shouldn’t hate me for them either. He loves me for who I am. And right now, He's loving on a girl who has trust issues, muddled emotions, and one heck of a broken heart. But this girl is beautiful because He loves her, and she loves Him too.

First of all, I think these confusing feelings, though, help me as a Catholic to know just how to reach out to my brothers and sisters in Christ who are hurting with this particular wound/cross, (or whatever you want to call it). It also helps me to better recognize the beauty that can be found within the heart of both a man and a woman. Maybe I might find the beauty and the hurt in the soul of a woman more interesting, but nonetheless, I'm curious about the beauty of a man and his hurts too.

I also don't think I could pick just one person to marry. Not that I'm attracted to and want to be involved with many, but that there's only one person who could possibly ever be enough. And that is the person of Christ. He is quite literally the only one who could love me perfectly and entirely and knows the way I need to be loved best. He's the only one who can fulfill the need in my heart to belong. No man or woman could ever, no matter how hard they tried or how much slack I cut them, could love me as good as my Lord loves me. And get this, it is 100% effortless on His part.

There is no such thing as reluctant love from Him. It is all eager love. No matter who you are.

Sure, I might disagree with Him from time to time, but that's on me not Him, and guess what? He will continue to be infinitely patient with me as a come to see through the eyes of a true Lover what is best for me (which at this moment just so happens to be to not act on my SSA). I'm looking for something more, and the only one who has the "more" is the One who has it all. The One who was crucified and who died on a cross because He saw my hurt. He saw what I would experience every day. He saw all of my worst sins. He saw everything I would ever struggle with. He saw all the secrets I would keep. He saw all of my enemies. He saw all of it. Yet despite my sinful nature and my times of doubt in Him, He mounted that cross anyway. Just for me. I'm His princess. He saw me where I was, and said "She is worth it. She is enough. She is worth every minute of my pain. She deserves to feel my love."

He did this for every single person! Isn't that great news? He saw every single person the way He saw little ol' me. He recognized every single bit of our pain and sorrow as He endured His sorrowful passion. He did it to know us. He did it to fight the good fight that we are incapable of fighting alone. And most of all He did it to love us. Isn't that the most beautiful love story ever told? The love story that tugs at the heart strings in a way that no fabricated "Hollywood" love story ever could. It actually happened. It's real. It was real back then when He suffered and died on the cross, and it's real every single day all over this earth as we celebrate the Mass and partake in all of the sacraments that He instituted so that we might be able to join Him in paradise like the good thief was promised. This act of love is not only the greatest act of love, but it inspires all of the love stories we crave to see and experience. The reason we pine for love that knows no boundaries, is because that is what we were made for. It is engraved in each and every one of our hearts.

So yeah, the crosses we have, they hurt, and they are hard to take up each day, and they're pretty darn heavy, but I can promise that Jesus is with you in it every moment you continue your pilgrimage back to His heart. If He wasn’t helping you or me with our crosses each day, we would be crushed under the weight of them. The victory for us is freedom from our crosses when we get Home. The cross He was nailed to was so that we never had to be nailed permanantely to our own. So that we would never be limited or condemned by our innate and consequential brokenness. Saint Augustine says:

"He loves each of uses if there were only one of us”.

I cannot stress how important it is to believe that this is true for all people regardless of race, religion, attractions, or other-wise. The second the devil convinces anyone that Jesus loves them begrudgingly or that God messed up when He created them, he has that soul right where he wants it. Don’t let the devil win like that! You weren’t made to answer to him. Jesus died so that the sting of sin and death didn’t have to be an eternal suffering. It can be if we choose ourselves over God, but there lies yet another example and proof of God’s love. He loves us so much that He will give us the opportunity to not only choose against Him, but also to hate Him and offend Him freely and intentionally. He doesn’t want anyone to forfeit the individual spot reserved just for them in Paradise, but He doesn’t let His desires and uncomprehendable love get the best of His justice and the free will He gave us.

I guess what I'm saying is that you need not feel ashamed of your attractions, but Jesus' victory over sin and death gives us hope that it will not be impossible to live a life of chastity and greatness. :)