Same-Sex Attraction & My Vocation
I'm fairly young at the moment, but the desire to be married is at times completely overwhelming. I want to have a husband, and be a wonderful mother, and do everything in my power to carry my family to Heaven.
It's a very natural thing, right? The majority of us want to be married at some point in our lives.
But in comes my Same-Sex Attractions.
Since I've started blogging and sharing my struggles and my story, I've had quite a few people ask me how SSA has effected my vocation. It's a very good question, and I want to give you a good answer.
But the truth is, I have absolutely nooo idea what I'm gonna do.
Now I wouldn't say that I'm an outright control freak, but I hate not knowing if I'm going to be married or not. I really want to be married --- I've dreamed of being married almost all my life, but I honestly don't know what God has planned for me.
And to be honest, I'm really scared.
Loneliness is something that effects all of us. I don't care what it is that you're dealing with. We all feel lonely at times; sometimes it's a minor annoyance, and other times, it seems like it's going to kill us.
Many of you may know that I opened up about my SSA on Twitter. I got a lot of support from people that I knew, as well as some amazing people that I've never met. It was amazing, and they have absolutely no idea how much that support system has meant to me over the past couple months.
But, I didn't get that support everywhere.
I had friends leave me. I've been mocked, laughed at, made fun of, some "all in good fun," and others definitely not so. And oddly enough, even if 100 people said sweet, and supportive things to me, I'd remember the one awful thing that one other person would say.
That one comment would haunt me, throw it's crushing weight on me, and that, added to the cross already on my back, feels like absolute Hell.
It hurts.
I'm human. I get scared. I have my doubts and my fears, and they can be devastating at times. Whether or not I'm going to be married scares me. My desire to be married is unreal.
Yesterday or the day before, I goofily tweeted that a guy said he was attracted to me. I was flattered, of course, but my first thought was, "What's he going to think when he finds out?" This is a legitimate and paralyzing fear at times.
In my heart, I know that if a man wants to pursue me, he won't care that I struggle with this. In my heart, I know that the Lord will give me the strength to get through all of the challenges that He sets before me in His Divine Will. Still, when you're in so much pain, and your vision is so clouded by tears, it can be very difficult to see past that pain.
So, will I get married? Will I enter into religious life? Will I remain single?
I don't know. And maybe I'm not meant to know right now.
But I do know the Lord. I know my God, and I love Him. He has a plan for me. He will provide for me, and will call me to a life of great joy.
Yes, I am afraid. Very afraid.
But I will not let fear keep me from loving life, and loving God.