To Kiss the Cross

I remember where I was when I noticed that I was attracted to someone of the same sex.

I remember that I was scared when I saw her, and yet I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I was at a track meet. I was sitting around in the stands at the indoor stadium, waiting to compete probably, and I saw her.

She was at the long jump pit, warming up to compete. I just could not stop staring! I'm not sure that I was sitting with my friends because I'm sure they would've noticed that something --- or someone --- had stolen my attention.

What would I have said to them?

At this point, my faith formation was pretty week. I'd grown up in Catholic School and everything, but homosexuality was not something that was openly discussed. I learned what I knew about the Catholic Church and homosexuality from what I saw in the media, which as I'm sure you know, is almost always false.

I thought the Catholic Church hated people like me, people with homosexual attractions. I found myself questioning whether I could be Catholic anymore! I found myself getting really angry... If God loved me so much, how could He let me experience attractions like this? The Church says I can't be gay, right? So how could I keep being Catholic if this was who I am?

The pain that I've experienced in my life from carrying this Cross is more than I can express in words. My spiritual director once asked me how it felt to carry such a Cross, and I said what I felt as best I could.

"If feels as though you're walking through Hell. Isolated, and alone."

The pain is excruciating. At least, it was to me. Still is to me, I should say.

I would try to "pray the gay away," and would beg God to take this Cross away from me.

And recently, I've wondered what would become of me, if Christ had stopped right there when He had said the same thing.

Remember that scene? In the Garden, as Christ is praying to His Heavenly Father?

"Father, if thou art willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42 RSV-CE)

What would have happened to us? Because it is only by the Passion, death, and Resurrection of Christ that we could ever hope to be saved.

What would we have done? Where would we be now?

St. Teresa of Calcutta had such a beautiful view of suffering. If you know anything about her, you're well aware that she sure did a lot of suffering. But the way that she looked at her suffering in this life was so profound. I'll never forget it.

"Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down—he wants to kiss you—and he has both hands open wide—he wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you. Do you understand, brothers, sisters, or whoever you may be? Suffering, pain, humiliation—this is the kiss of Jesus. At times you come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss you."

That last line, did you get it?

"At times you come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss you."

That's suffering, my friends. That's suffering.

When I was at SEEK back in January, Fr. Mike Schmitz was saying that every 500 or so years, God raises up these incredible saints that flip the Church upside down, and gets us its members off our rear ends (if you have not seen that keynote, GO. WATCH. IT). And now is about that time.

St. John Paul the Great, St. Teresa of Calcutta, Mother Angelica, and I pray their will be many more!

But I honestly believe that one of the greatest saints of our time, and of all time, will be someone who suffers from Same-Sex Attractions.

There's pain in the LGBTQ+ community. Pain that every member experiences, and yet no one is willing to talk about.

There's the pain of dissatisfaction, unfulfillment, loneliness, and intense and bitter sorrow. I've experienced this, and before I knew Christ, I didn't want to talk about it.

Honestly, I didn't want to be wrong about it.

In life, we all suffer. That suffering looks different for everybody. My Cross is Same-Sex Attraction, someone else's might be the inclination to lie, or the inclination to lust, or cheat, or steal, etc. They could be a number of things!

But I beg you, my dear brothers and sisters, don't walk away from suffering. Don't run from that kiss from Christ. Until we learn to kiss our Crosses, we will never be truly joyful in life.

You're so close to Him... Do you know that? Don't ask to move farther away. Beyond His sufferings on the Cross, the Crucified Jesus is a joyful man. His thirst is for souls. His thirst was for the Cross.

And here you are, a suffering servant, standing so close that He can kiss you.

Why would you run away?