Peace, Be Still, & Know that I Am God
So. I think I have some explaining to do.
I haven't posted on here in almost a week and a half, and I sincerely apologize for that.
But with that being said, I think my experience might be similar to what others go through in their spiritual journeys, and so I want to be as transparent as possible. Hopefully my experience can engage you and potentially resonate with you.
I've mentioned before that I've never acted on my SSA. And I still haven't. But, that doesn't mean that I don't still struggle with it regularly
Oftentimes it feel as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I want nothing more than to relieve that pain.
Many of you may have seen on Twitter (@diary476 follow me... hayyyy) that I was considering posting an open letter "coming out" to my family since they don't know yet. I was inundated with anxiety because of it. I'm terrified to tell them because I honestly have no idea how they'll react.
Part of me is just afraid that everything will be different--that people will end up shunning me for something I didn't ask for, something I can't control, and even look past all of my efforts to beautifully carry my cross.
The other part of me feels that this is unfair to them because this is my family; this is blood, and they have no idea that I struggle in this way nor do they know of the outreach I take part in. I feel like I'm robbing them of the chance to fully know me.
That feeling of not being fully known by the people that I love is not only hurtful toward them but for me too. I've hid this secret from my parents, friends from school (even though I know well it was speculated), cousins, aunts, uncles, and so many others that care about me.
And here I am, hiding. Not being entirely true to myself.
And that's painful.
I frequently trip up and get buried under that pain, and it's difficult to escape. I've spent the past few days buried under the weight, and it's definitely taken it's toll on me.
Then I got a message from an old friend.
See that lovely lady in this picture? Her name is Naomi Mann. She's a childhood friend of mine (we played t-ball and softball together). She and her lovely husband, Isaac, make music together in their band N + I Music. They are wonderful humans
Naomi sent me a message today letting me know that their single "Peace, Be Still" had been released on iTunes and Google Play. I decided I would come out of my selfish, self-inflicted misery for two seconds to listen to her song.
I listened to this song and just laughed to myself.
It's funny how God always tells you exactly what you need to hear when you give Him even the smallest window into your heart.
The chorus is the most striking part of the song to me. It really made me stop to think about and ponder the very nature of God.
The wind and the waves, may bring you fear //
Peace, be still, sing ah ah ah ah ah ah //
No matter how long, you travel home //
He stands at the shore.
I've certainly had my fair share of wind and waves to take me under the tide. The wind being loneliness; the waves being my desire to be with another woman. The current is strong, and I struggle to keep my head above the water.
We can all get swept under like that sometimes. Our faith may stagger, we grow weak, we get scared, and treading water just gets harder and harder.
Funny how we are still so afraid of the oceans and the storms, even though the God we serve is Master over them.
What if we asked Him for peace?
What if we were present and resting in the knowledge that He really is God, and He will do what's best for us?
What if standing in the awe of God, the fear of the Lord, dissipated the waves' might? How would the game change then? How would the way we live our lives change?
And where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. No sin exists that our Lord and Savior cannot forgive, yet there is an ocean of mercy out there that we refuse to accept.
Why do we do that? Why don't we run to God for mercy?
For me, and I suspect for many of you, fear is the reason. I'm tempted to believe that I've fled too far from Him. I fear His wrath awaiting me when I do draw near again.
But His wrath is never there waiting for me. Only His love, and His mercy.
No matter how long we have to travel back home to him, He stands firm, waiting with open arms to shower us with His grace.
This is the God that we serve. This is the God that died on the cross for us although it was us that hung Him there. The hero of the greatest love story of all time died to save the unfaithful beloved villain, and that very unfaithful beloved villain can be fully redeemed by that grace.
This grace is ours, should we accept it. I'm baffled at myself that I sometimes refuse it.
I've been rather depressed about the past: wishing I had done things differently, even been made a different person.
I've allowed myself to get anxious about the future, especially about the future of this blog. I worry that no one will care about it in a couple weeks, or that I'll just lose interest like I seem to do with so many other things.
But I've made the decision to be at peace and to be still. I've made the decision to know that my greatest love is God; the God that created the sun, the moon, and the stars; the God that rules over the earth and the sea; the God that chooses to love me. What a beautiful thing.